Divorce is an extremely stressful time for all members of the family.  Children are particularly vulnerable to very high levels of stress because, unlike adults, they often do not have the coping skills to manage their stress, the emotional resources to tolerate their pain, or the cognitive skills to make sense of what is happening. Unlike adults, they may not see that divorce may be the “right” or “best” thing to do for the family in certain circumstances.  They also have a difficult time maintaining a sense of hope and envisioning that things will eventually get better.

Typically, children experience a great sense of alienation, loss, and grief.  Children may feel personally abandoned by a parent, may fear that their relationship with a particular parent is in jeopardy, or feel angry that their parents have made a decision that will alter their life in numerous ways.  It is not uncommon for children to hold on to fantasies that their parents will re-unite, even long after the divorce and even in spite of re-marriages.  It is also not uncommon for them to believe they have some level of responsibility for the divorce, even if they are re-assured otherwise.  Kids want to understand what is happening to them and may find very imaginative ways to fill in the gaps.  Talking to our children about the divorce is critical in helping them understand. 

The vast majority of children experience feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, and often guilt.  Children may become irritable, act out at home or school, cry, struggle with eating or sleeping, or have difficulty concentrating.  Their grades may fluctuate.   They may become angry or uncooperative, appear tense, or become more clingy.  All of these behaviors are normal. 

However, take note if they persist, become intense, and/or interfere with their normal functioning.  Signs that the divorce is being experienced as particularly traumatic includes withdrawal, excessive somatic complaints, a persistently pessimistic view of the future, significant irritability or aggressiveness, a fear of being alone or difficulty in separation situations, and regressive behavior. 

The key to helping children is making an effort to understand the divorce through their eyes and communicating with them consistently and creatively.  First, it is important that parents initiate the “divorce conversation” together.  Deciding beforehand what will be said and how questions will be answered will prepare you best for this difficult conversation.  Be prepared for all kinds of emotional and non-emotional reactions, remembering that your child’s age, personality, and coping style will dictate their response.

Continued conversation with your kids throughout the divorce process is essential. This means not waiting for special moments to communicate.  The talk they need can happen during playtime, car rides, even grocery shopping.  Avoid direct questions such as “how do you feel about the divorce?”.  Instead, allow them to express any and all feelings in whatever way fits them.   Parents must be good listeners and keen observers.  Remember that communication is also nonverbal, so be aware of the various ways your kids are expressing themselves.