Different Desires, Different Interests

by John Adams, Ph.D

&

Constance Avery-Clark, Ph.D. 

Differences in sexual desires and/or interests between partners are quite common. In some relationships these differences are minimal and transitory.  However, in other relationships, differences can be moderate to great and can develop despite years of seemingly compatible sexual interaction.  It is probably quite rare for any individual’s or couple’s sexual appetites to remain the same.  For each of us changes in our sexual interests and desires can range from being gradual over time to fluctuation rapidly over a short period of time.  The changes are influenced by a number of factors including:  physiological (e.g., genetically based, developmentally derived, the state of general physical/mental health, natural hormonal changes, medication, etc.); educational (i.e., how much accurate sexual information one has about oneself, one’s personal philosophy, personal values, etc.); cultural (e.g., the cultural or spiritual messages given about sexuality and sexual expression); and situational/ environmental (e.g., stress, trauma, grief, fatigue, amount of privacy, etc.).  Interest in and expression of sexuality is a complex issue, subject to expected and unexpected changes and blocks that are developed and maintained by a wide variety of factors.

 

One of the most important keys to resolving differences in sexual desire and interest is cultivating the most useful emotional atmosphere to deal with the issues.  One thing is for sure, continuous feelings of anger are likely to make matters worse and can result in a spilling over into the other sexual and non-sexual areas of the relationship that otherwise were satisfactory.  People who often find themselves experiencing intense emotions like anger will need to contact appropriate professional resources to help them out of these unproductive and inefficient reactions.  On the other hand, while being too laid back or apathetic about one’s strong desires or one’s partner’s desires may be better than the aforementioned unhealthy emotional responses, being passive can, over time, foster feelings of resentment and/or hopelessness in both partners.  There really isn’t any valid reason not to at least try to have preferences fulfilled.  Therefore, that to the extent that one’s feelings about one’s own or one’s partner’s unfulfilled desires are within the range of the less intense feelings of frustration, concern, sadness, disappointment, and/or regret (rather than anger, worry, depression, hurt shame, guilt, or apathy) the more likely each person in the relationship will be able to remain focused on the problem, will be able to generate a realistic picture of the issues, and will be able to engage in a reasonable plan for achieving a successful solution to the sexual differences and interest problems.

 

A second key to any resolution of sexual desire and interest difficulties is good communication skills.  Many people tend to experience significant personal vulnerability when issues involving sex and intimacy are raised.  Therefore, communication about sex and intimacy differences is most productive if it includes reassurance and acceptance of each partner’s feelings and desires.  The abilities to listen and understand are essential.  The management of judgmental opinions, of feeling judged, of blaming or feeling blamed, are also crucial.  Healthy communication is the means by which couples can gain a relatively accurate or reasonable assessment of what factors (listed earlier) are involved in their differences.  Good communication also may afford a couple a reasonable sense of how much movement on any particular issue each may get from the other.  If there is healthy communication it would be reasonable to expect that, for both partners, the relative strength of preferences and convictions could be heard and understood, and that blocks to goals could be appreciated.  Most relationships get stuck at this point of engaging in new, more productive communication.  Good communication is a skill, and like any other skill it takes hard work, time, and patience to develop and utilize well in the context of an intimate relationship.  Many couples give up and resign themselves to being unfulfilled and dissatisfied rather than making the effort to improve their communication skills.  With partners who are fortunate enough to have things going positively in other areas of their relationships, making the transition from utilizing good communication and negotiation skills in non-sexual conflict situations to the bedroom may not be that difficult.  Examples of having applied good communications and negotiation skills in non-sexual areas of life can be used in therapy to remind participants that each already possess these skills, and these examples may be used to suggest how the skills may be applied to the sensitive issue of sexuality.  Because of the greater sense of personal vulnerability that is associated with sexuality it just may require a bit more patience and sensitivity to apply these communications skills when compared with their application in other areas of life. 

 

With an appropriate emotional atmosphere and good communication skills, a healthy resolution to issues of sexual interest and desire differences is possible.  (Healthy resolution is not defined as being “My way or your way” but rather as a way that both partners can live with and about which both can feel reasonable satisfied.)  When differences of desire or interest are due to lack of knowledge or social/cultural myths, patience and exposure to appropriate resources with accurate, verifiable information is usually very helpful.  If the issue is one of strong differences in sexual preferences and attitudes, a negotiated approach is potentially viable.  If differences are dominated by strong personal values, there is likely to be a lot of therapeutic work that must be done or both partners may face the possibility of accepting the fact that a point has been reached in the relationship beyond which the couple can not move.  If differences are due to biological factors, medical intervention or logistical modifications are often helpful.  However, here again, each partner may have to accept the fact that a limitation exists with regard to the sexual interaction, and it may not be possible to overcome this limitation.  If psychological issues are involved (e.g., depression, stress, obsessiveness, prior emotional trauma, etc.), individual treatment with a qualified mental health professional or in support group counseling may be necessary before trying to mange the sexual differences. 

 

After creating a productive emotional atmosphere, and applying relatively healthy communication and negotiation skills, many committed relationships make significant progress with regard to managing differences in sexual interest and desire.  Of course, for some couples, difficulties may continue that can not be overcome despite the application of reasonable skills.  For these couples it is usually useful for the partners to make an overall assessment of the relationship and to decide whether the remaining differences take precedence over the relationship as a whole.  Can the partners continue to live life and function happily in the relationship even though some of their desires are probably not going to be adequately met? Or can the partners continue to live and work at being happy within the relationship even though their discomfort with meeting some of their partner’s preferences is unlikely to change?

 

The fact is we are not all alike in sexual interest or in our manner of sexual expression.  This is neither fair nor unfair.  It is just a fact of life.  It is just our state as human beings.  If differences can be worked out, great!  But remember, nothing stays the same.  New challenges to one’s sexuality may lie just around the corner.  If all of the differences in one’s relationship can not be worked out, is one willing to live with these differences and to continue to pursue happiness in life with the partner?  One never knows the discoveries that can be made in any relationship when challenges are met, new skills applied, greater acceptance cultivated.  These discoveries may turn out to be the most meaningful of all! 

Drs. Adams and Avery-Clark frequently treat couples who present their primary relationship/sexual problem as being differences of interests and/or desire.  They have helped many couples resolve these differences utilizing a short-term treatment program of communication and negotiation skills as well as introducing couples to new approaches and attitudes towards their sexuality and expression of intimacy.  Drs. Adams and Avery-Clark are both Ph.D. Clinical Psychologists licensed by the state of Florida, and they were trained as sex therapists at the renowned Masters & Johnson Institute.   

Dr. Adams or Dr. Avery-Clark can be reached by email at drs4intimacy@msn.com or by phone at (954) 227-2700 or (561) 347-0997.